Depression: Not The Sinking Ship

Solitude

You! Have you forgotten the germination lesson from primary science book? Have you not ever seen a seed germinating into a plant? It takes the utter destruction of the seed itself to produce the tiny seedling in it. The seed coats rupture, the seed leaves fall apart, and then the green peeps out. It does not stop there. The tiny seedling feeds on the seed itself to survive until the roots are strong enough to uphold the plant. In fact, it is the roots that break free first, and thereafter the green is visible. 

To someone who does not understand reproduction, germination is absolute destruction. 

Hence, let me break apart. Let me hit the ground and scatter around like a piece of glass. Let me be fragmented like I was never whole at all. I need to break till there is nothing left of me to be broken. that is when my scattered pieces will be collected to form a kaleidoscope. Till then, do not rescue me. 

When I confess I am depressed, I am offered unasked, unwanted help, advices, and suggestions. They are of no use. I am aware of all that smartness. I am capable of going out, traveling places, meeting people, eating healthy, praying daily. Suprise: I don't do, not because I cannot, but I cannot. I literally need to be a seed now. I need my depression to make me a stone hard seed, that can actually withstand weather. I need my depression to be able to become unbreakable. I need my depression to fix myself.   

Not everyone who suffers from depression needs to be rescued immediately. In fact, your unwanted, unsolicited, occasional visit into my life spectrum, and dropping your random sugar coated concern is just poisonous for me. Simply because you are annoying me by disturbing my peace, my solitude, my sanctuary. 

I am glad I am breaking down. I am glad I am not whole now. This is the only way to shed what I was. This is the way I create a new me. I have no intention of carrying forth the old me who served your purposes. I am not made for you. I am not answerable to you. I am responsible for my own healthy existence. If you knew my story, you wish I was rather dead. Don't you judge me. 

My depression is my salvation without my death. I may seem astoundingly positive for someone who is facing absurd tendencies through out the day. In reality, no human is capable of giving up absolutely. I am merely accepting my depression; I am letting it be the catalyst to form another me. I am only HOPING. I am hoping against hope. I know it is killing me now. But I am hopeful it will lead to my regeneration. I am willing to risk. I am letting go of the fear of losing. Someday, I will have lost everything. And that shall be the yesterday to a tomorrow when there is no option but to bloom, to be born again. 

Depression is a downward curve. Fortunately, it is a 'curve' and has end points. I want you to stay clean of my way. I need to be in 'hell' now to experience the 'paradise'. Do not stop me. Let me be depressed. As a seed who is not destined to dry out, I am sure to bloom. Amazingly, big trees are born of smaller seeds, but that is another story for another day.