Arranged Marriage, Really?

Till death do us apart...

I am asked by a western stranger on a certain dating app if arranged marriage is still prevalent in India. I am lost into thoughts why that is a question. 

"All marriages are arranged; sometimes by the individuals, sometimes by others."

What is there about it that is so repulsive to people. This is not a question by the westerns, but also to the new generations of India. 

Let's break down the process to know it and get a perspective about it. Hmm, so there are two families somewhere with eligible children to get married. They express their concern to the people they think can help about it. If the parents are tech-friendly, they register on marriage websites as well. Somehow, each of the family gets to know about the probable candidate. They visit the family in question to figure out if it may work. Unless a major problem is encountered, the set up is arranged and the two individuals get married. 

Hold on! That is not what the arrange marriage is. That is just what leads to the wedding event. The marriage starts after it. We know how we women can be dreamy and fanciful! When that woman, who barely knows the man, decides to join him in creating a household for themselves, not only leaves her family behind, but also drops her wishes. Exactly! She enters into the wedded life with zero expectations, except what is given like: he will treat her with love, respect and fairness. She makes it a part of her life to ask what he might like for the meal, to buy this or that. With time and patience, she knows what he likes, if not anything else in worst case. 

The man, the boxed brain human, is equally cautious as to not appear docile. He brings the best of his intellect to daily life, best of his behaviour to the table, and his best game to the bed behind closed doors. He silently observes her, what she likes to eat, what colour she likes to wear, what places she like to visit, what are her favourite festivals. He undergoes many months of silent try and error to figure her out. With time and perseverance, he knows what she dislikes, if not much about anything else.

So, two people are thrown into a room/house to figure out each other, without any expectations, without even a window to divorce to create, run and brag a household. Unless violence and adultery are involved, divorce is not a requisite (you will agree better if you are single and in your mid-life). No divorce option forces them to find another solution for whatsoever huge problem it is. It is truly an unsaid promise of being by each other's side. They raise children with clearly divided roles. That eliminates confusion to a good extent as to what is to be done with the lives they are responsible with.When the final meal is cooked, there is an agreement of all the members of the arranged marriage. That sounds like a happy meal! He has a part in what dress she is wearing; she has a part in what shirt he is wearing. They invest thoughtfulness in almost each decision, making it about the other. That yields a situation where each one's wish is taken care of , and also the 'us' is not threatened. Less headaches when your own expectations are lowered and other's wish is heightened. (I would definitely like a cut back on crocin.)

Talking of trust and commitment... When you are young and have developed a nest of your own where you can fall back with absolute assurance of unconditional support, it is difficult to fiddle around just for something that is so temporary and explosive. With age, you want peace, you want sincerity, you want togetherness. The curiosity of youth gradually moves in to an understanding of durability, and settles for unquestioned fidelity. 

Compare this to a love marriage (arranged by the individuals) where they decide to settle down for they think they have figured each other out completely and that is exactly what they want. Then comes a disagreement, or a sudden change due to an unexpected situation, they might not trust each other as much, or find it casual to refer with their experienced parents. Instead of working for the solution, there is a high tendency to dwell in the problem, because each considers that the other should have been responsible or should be just brilliant enough to produce the solved result. 

Of course, arranged marriages and love marriages have their own perks and disadvantages. Is it not wise to calculate well, and invest in optimism, rather than basing such a diplomatic relationship just on a highly emotionally driven arrangement? What things are wrong in an arranged marriage (e.g. child marriage, dowry, domestic violence, sexual abuse, etc) are just as much wrong in any kind of wedding. On the bright side, you get to blame others if the marriage fails in an arranged marriage; but only yourself if you locked down for a love marriage. 

  

Does that help you take a second stand about arranged marriage? :)