Annoyance


Every time he said those three magical words, I replied in silence. When one is precautioned to not feel in certain way, one cannot help but feel so. I don't know how to stop myself against another name. I am not angry at him, but at time. I have no idea why time had to being him to me at a time I am  grounded and vulnerable. I hate for being such a wrong person  to him. I hate myself to be not able to who can make him happy. Luckily, at least out of practice, my mind voiced the apt reply every single time to him. Unfortunately,  silence cannot be heard over the phone. He thinks I have ego issues. What he doesn't know is I am trying to hold up my tiny fragments together to be able to find love in me to love him back, to find respect to adore him. I speak to him everyday for hours together. That certainly has hampered his preparation to join an institution for further studies, but he never complains. He seeks my support in decision making. What reply do I give him when I am unaware of who I am. I cannot deny of loving him despite I have no heart left in me. I have lost more than just my heart in that tragic incident; it has apartheid me into a cripple for lifetime.

I wish I was not broken. I wish I could happily laugh with him. I wish I was right beside him to hug him or to pit a peck of token of love on his face. I wish I was there to support him. I wish I was there to assist him. I wish I was ready to move ahead at his pace. I wish I was quarter the person he is. I wish I had immense strength like him. I wish I was capable of loving him without feeling insecure. I wish I could love him as powerfully he loves me. I wish I could be the biggest fan, for he's my Hero.

INSTEAD 
I am annoyed how the past relationships have turned me into a monster. I am annoyed how I want to recover from the depression of losing that perfect man. I am annoyed that I am again in a relationship without any guard to protect myself. I am annoyed that he keeps saying he loves me so many time and not a single sound comes out of my choked throat. I am annoyed that I reacted to his indifference to my situation. I am annoyed that I am not whole to him. I am annoyed that I am not to love him madly. I am annoyed that I am not able to be of any help to him. I am annoyed that I have fallen in love again, untimely. I am annoyed that he's my only happiness left. I am annoyed that I have nothing to look forward in life except him. I am annoyed that he singularly captures my whole life.  I am annoyed that he's there for me when I couldn't be there for him. I am annoyed with myself for breaking my heart for wrong people. I am annoyed for not being a healthy person to the right man. I am annoyed that I am the reason of his pain. I am annoyed that I live in such fragility.  I am annoyed that I love him irresistibly and yet I am able to hide my daily pain from him. I am annoyed that he is full of sorry, whereas I am the one to have hurt him ruthlessly.  I am annoyed that I don't have the courage to ask him to forgive me.

I know I am a monster. 

Location: Hyderabad,

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